The Principles of Infinite Relating

Sovereignty means having the right to self-govern and being the ultimate ruler of my domain. In relationships, it’s like sharing borders with other “nations,” maintaining connection while respecting autonomy. At its core, sovereignty is about taking full responsibility for my needs, well-being, and decisions, while recognizing that no one else is responsible for my happiness or fulfillment. Sovereignty isn’t about isolation or being “strong and independent.” It’s about knowing myself fully so I can meet and connect with others from a place of authenticity and selfhood.

The Us Between Us highlights the three forces at play in every relationship: you, me, and the “us.” The “us” is its own entity, existing outside of the individuals, with its own energy and needs. Have you ever tried to keep a relationship together, but no matter how hard you worked, it fell apart? That’s the “us” having its say. As Infinite Relators, our task is to tend to all three forces equally—nurturing ourselves, each other, and the unique energy of the relationship—so that all parts can thrive together.

Change is inevitable—in every single aspect of life. It’s something we all understand conceptually, yet it’s easy to forget once we’re deeply in love. The truth is, anything that stops changing is no longer alive. For our relationships to stay vibrant and meaningful, they must evolve and adapt, just as we grow and transform as individuals throughout our lives. Embracing change allows us to meet each moment with openness, keeping love dynamic and alive.

Radical Acceptance is about fully embracing what is, instead of resisting reality and wishing it were different. It’s the act of letting go of the struggle to fight against what’s happening in relationships, especially the desire for others to change or be different. When I’m rooted in the acceptance of what’s available and what’s not in a dynamic, I open up countless possibilities for growth, action, and connection. But when I cling to the fantasy of who I wish someone else could be, my options become narrow and unworkable. Through full acceptance, I know exactly what needs to be done and can do it with love. When I stop wanting people to change, I give myself the chance at true connection. 

Conscious Expectations is about bringing clarity and respect into our relationships by openly discussing the expectations we hold. Everyone has ideas about how they and others are “supposed” to act in relationships, but too often these go unspoken. When we fail to voice our expectations, it can lead to unnecessary drama and conflict. Assuming someone will meet my needs without asking if they’re willing or able to is not only unfair but also disrespectful. By being upfront about our desires and expectations, we can treat each other with respect, build understanding, and find alignment that strengthens the relationship.

Desire invites me to shift us focus from what we don’t want to what we truly want. How often do we pause to ask ourselves, “What do I want?” We’re often quick to complain or focus on the negative, but complaining doesn’t bring joy, gratitude, support, or epic connection. It’s a limited compass for navigating relationships. Desire, on the other hand, is a powerful guide—it points me directly toward what fulfills me, excites me, and brings me closer to what I truly crave in life and love. By tuning into my desires, I can move with intention toward my unique version of fulfillment.

Returning to Self reminds me that anxiety occurs when I step outside of myself, trying to control others or predict outcomes—an impossible task. I exhaust myself trying to figure out what the other person thinks, striving to “do it right” or be “good enough.” In the process, I lose touch with myself. The master move is to come back to ME. Return to my experience. Focus on what I want, what works for me, how I feel, or how I can support myself in feeling better. When I drop everything else, release codependency, and simply be with myself, I find all the information I need.

Boundaries are not an end in themselves—they’re a tool to help me create the experiences I want in my one precious life. Boundaries arise from important questions: “Is this relationship truly benefitting me? Do I like the way I feel? Do I like how I’m spending my time? Or are there experiences I’m losing interest in, no longer want to engage in, or even that are toxic for me?” Boundaries don’t need to be intense. They also don’t need to make sense to anyone else. They are simply a way to ensure I do my part to align myself with the kinds of experiences I most want to be exploring—and release myself and others from what isn’t serving. 

Getting Off the Escalator challenges the traditional relationship narrative we’ve all been taught: meet, fall in love, get married, have kids, and live happily ever after. While this script may work for some, it didn’t work for Bez or Frejya (and we’re sure, many of you). However, we can still try to push our relationships up that “escalator” because we’re so conditioned that relationships are supposed to “go” somewhere or reach “the finish line” in order to be successful. Getting off the escalator means rejecting the idea of one track to happiness. There are infinite ways to create relationships that are more satisfying than what we ever imagined. 

Community Support reminds us that we aren’t meant to navigate relationships alone. Humans evolved in villages with deep support networks, but modern relationships often isolate us, turning our partners into our everything while friendships fall away. Diversifying our support systems creates a larger safety net, easing the pressure on any one person and fostering deeper, more rewarding connections. Community support isn’t just helpful—it’s essential to building healthy, sustainable intimacy with a partner.

Transparency and Authenticity are about showing up as my true self, sharing the experiences I’m genuinely having, and not hiding behind a mask of what I think is “normal” or expected. When I hide who I am or pretend to be someone else, I’m not being a responsible partner—I’m not being real. True connection and love can only come when I’m honest about what I need and who I am. Authenticity allows me to find those who naturally share my values and build relationships rooted in mutual respect and a big FUCK YES!

Eliminating Obligation means recognizing that no one owes me anything—everything I’m given is a gift, not an entitlement. At the same time, I owe nothing to others, whether it’s talking, listening, sex, staying, or leaving. This perspective doesn’t erase the consequences of my or others’ actions. Instead, it frees me to engage in relationships authentically and voluntarily, creating connections that are based on choice rather than obligation.